This is not meant to be a whiny blog about how sad my life is. Its okay; I'm grateful Im college at a good school. I have a boyfriend and my family is funny. Everything is okay. My boyfriend wants to sleep with other people. He thinks its not cheating if I'm out of town and I except this agreement to keep him. I have no real friends. Since grade school ive been incapable of acheiving this smal feat for one reason or another. I moved alot. My skin is too dark. I'm a bitch. Too much money. Too smart. Not smart enough.
My dad's a cheater. He has cheated on my mom since as long as I could remember. He has shaped my view of men and their correlation to women. Men cheat women accept it to keep them.
I pretend to be strong but I'm not. My infamous ex boyfriend used me in every possible way and after him I promised I would never let a boy use me again.
My boyfriend buys my love so I reason that his bad behavior is okay because of the tiffany's necklace he bought me on christmas. He's hit me four times. He has extensive sexual fetishes and I guess I'm not enough for him. But I love him because he said he would marry me and he's the closet thing I've ever had to a healthy relationship.
And I dont have friends. Just shallow relationships that I know would never stand the test of time. When my ex broke up with me, in order to salvage his image and keep from being the bad guy he told my so called friends that I had been "talking about them" 3 words that can ruin you in highschool and they did. I spent junior and senior year alone. Roaming the halls trying to save face but eating my lunch in the bathroom and praying that college would come soon.
In middle school people would befriend me so I could be they're punching bag.
In elementary no one would befriend me because my skin was too dark. Colorism is a mother fucker; it strikes young and its hard to shake.
So because of all these factors I have hardened my heart to others and I dont have friends. I may get friendly, I may even call them best friends but we wont talk every day. They wouldnt bail me out of jail. Hell I'm afraid to get married because id sure be embarassing trying to figure out who would be my bridesmaids.
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